Its Christmas Eve. If you are anything like me, Christmas has snuck up on you like Oscar Friere snuck up on Erik Zabel in 2004 Milan San Remo to capture the win with a last second bike throw. Perhaps you are a little panicked. The hoards of last second shoppers, such as you and I, have at least one thing in common: we have no idea what to get as gifts and inevitably turn to the always trusty, incredibly dull gift card. Don’t give a gift card. Nothing says ‘Last Second Shopper’ like one of those.
While on a lonely, windy ride this week, I came up with the ultimate gift list for those people you know who might
- boast how smooth their freshly shaved legs are
- wear spandex on a consistent basis
- spend all weekend tooling around town on a bike
- have ever used the term ‘bike porn’
- all of the above.
WARNING: if you fall into any of these categories, stop reading immediately and quickly email this to your wife, sister, brother, parents, Grandma, and friends.
I said stop reading. No one likes the person that peeks under their sisters bed in hopes of seeing unwrapped gifts. Those actions are liable to get you coal and pre-punctured tubes in your stocking.
THE ULTIMATE CYCLING GIFT LIST
Razors are always in hot demand in the cycling world. Legs must be glisteningly smooth if you wish to be taken seriously. And a lot of male riders make the mistake of using men’s razors for their legs and then proceed to complain about dry skin and razor burn. Women’s razors are made for legs so why not use them! And while you’re at it, get your cyclist a nice pink one.
2. Bike Bell
When I rode a mountain bike in my first MS 150, I had this sweeet green bike bell. Twist it this way and that and brrrrrnnngggg!! brrrrnnggg!! I think the bike bell is on its way to making a comeback. Get one that matches the bike. Great stocking stuffer. Or even better just plant that bell right on your cyclist’s precious bike’s handlebars with a note that says ‘Merry Christmas! Santa wants you to be safe!’
3. Euro Man Purse
He’s rocking a euro mullet, tight jeans, and white shoes. Injects foreign words into conversation and practices Belgian accents in the mirror. Sounds like your cyclist thinks he’s a Euro! Put his money where his mouth is and get him a man purse. Nothing says I’m Euro like a man purse. Also takes some serious Euro balls to rock one.
4. Baby Oil
Baby oil might go well with the razor as a package deal. Legs must be glistening come race day! And what better way to do it than lathering them up in baby oil?! Some of you might be shaking your head and saying ‘This is just too weird.” And to those people I quote the great Mario Cipollini “Cycling is 80 percent looking good”.
Cycling and coffee are two lovers that have been bound together. It just is. Espresso is the grandfather and all other acceptable cycling coffee drinks stem from it such as the macchiato, cappuccino, and americano. Anything that has to do with coffee, whether its an espresso machine, book about coffee, mug, or just a bag of The Horse (found at most Fresh Markets), will send your cyclist into caffeine convulsions and comments like ‘wait till the guys hear about this!’
Honestly, I think the mirror, razor, and baby oil should be one big package deal. I can’t stress enough how much the legs need analyzing. Razor, baby oil, mirror is just the next logical step. If you want to go all out, place a big mirror in the garage next to the trainer so your cyclist can analyze position.
7. Neck Gaitor
Neck scarf. Neck gaitor. The thing Contador wears. Its all the same and its a hit. No more CNS (cold neck syndrome) on rides. Or zippers tugging at your chin. Make sure you get one thats big enough to pull up and over your nose for those really cold rides. Now there are no excuses to miss that cold WBL ride!
8. Chamois cream
Just get it. I have never tried DZs Nuts but I hear good things about it. Personally, I am a big fan of Enzo’s Buttonhole. Their chamois cream is mixed with a moisturizing lotion. How can you say no?
9. Garmin 500 or premium Strava account
Strava is the Facebook of cycling. If you haven’t strava’d your ride, then it didnt happen as far as I’m concerned. So give the gift of existence with a Garmin 500 and the GPS ability to Strava. Already have one? Upgrade your cyclist’s Strava account to premium! Now they can spend even more time on the computer comparing times and looking at power.
10. Blender bottle
Recovery. Recovery. Recovery. Can’t mow the lawn! Got to recover. Can’t take out the trash! Need to put my legs up. A blender bottle filled with your cyclist’s favorite protein mix wont make it easier to get him or her off the couch but it will keep all that nasty protein powder out of your good china.